Trying to figure out how to break free from the shackles of the past?
It can be hard.
Now, we all know that getting over the past and making peace with it is really important because if you leave the past unchecked, it can control your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, and ultimately, your future.
In other words, no matter how hard you try to live in the “present moment,” the past will seep in and ruin everything.
You cannot live in the present if the “past baggage” is crushing your soul because to live a blissed-out life, you need a solid footing in the present. And you can have a solid footing only if you’re able to break free from the shackles of the past.
Because if you aren’t, then no matter how “hard” you work, you’ll always be torn apart between the past and the present. The present will ask you to live in the moment but the past will not let you go, and that leads us to the question:
Can you put your past behind you? Is it possible to erase what happened in the past? Can you say with totality that the past is finally “over?”
When the question is about getting over the past, “condemning” seems to be the best approach.
But does it work?
Can You Get Over the Past by “Condemning” It?
Condemning is a silly tactic to make yourself “forget” something. It’s your mind’s subtle defensive mechanism to give you the illusion that now you’re free of the thing that was troubling you. But is it really that simple? Can you be free of your past by condemning it?
Let me give you my example.
I condemned the past with all my might so I could forget the “nightmarish” yesteryears. Did I succeed? Far from it. The more I pushed the past traumatic memories away, the more powerful they grew.
And then I realized something.
One cannot forget anything by condemning it. Simply because when you condemn you give your attention to it. And whatever you give your attention to, expands. So if you try hard to forget something, you’ll attract similar events and people.
Is it Possible to Break Free from the Shackles of the Past by “Changing” It?
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had a “time machine?” That way we could go back to the time when all went haywire and change the events to correct our present. That would’ve been nice, right?
Well, the bad news is, no such thing exists (at least not that I know of).
But we still do try, don’t we?
We try to create a time machine in our minds. We go back again and again to the memories of past events, and we “change” them in our fantasies. And guess what? It doesn’t seem to work. It’s a futile battle. No matter how many times you regurgitate, you cannot change your past. It’s done.
So if the past cannot be changed, what can be done about it?
Well, there’s only one thing you can do: Embrace it.
Now, it’s needless to say that embracing and accepting something we hate is probably the hardest thing to do. But there can be no peace unless we accept things the way they are (or were).
For example, my childhood was a traumatic one and I had been fighting it until some time back. It didn’t do me any good. Then I realized that what happened had happened. I cannot undo my past. I can only accept it.
One caveat, though:
You cannot “accept” the past. You can only let the past be “accepted” by you. In other words, the acceptance happens on its own.
The fact of the matter is, wherever you are in life is where you’re supposed to be. You could not have been what you are today without your past. In other words, your present could not have existed as it is today had it not been for your past.
I remember watching the movie “Back to the Future” in which the protagonist tries to change the future by changing what happened in the past and things go haywire. Time is a continuity. You cannot alter the past without affecting the future. But that was a movie, right? You cannot change the past in real life, or can you?
Well, you cannot change the events that took place in the yesteryears of your life but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. You have the power to accept what happened in the past.
Most of our suffering comes not from the past but from our unwillingness to embrace the past.
Now, here’s the thing:
If you want to break free from the shackles of the past then accepting it wholeheartedly is the only way. But it doesn’t matter if you accept the past or not. The past will remain what it was whether you accept it or not.
You can be at peace today, right now, by accepting whatever happened. The moment you accept something, its grip over you loosens. But this “acceptance” is not based on submission. It’s not a defeatist attitude, like “What can I do now? It’s done so I have no other option but to accept it.”
No, not like that.
You can embrace the past with two types of attitudes.
One is an attitude of “helplessness,” and the other attitude is of rejoicing. Helplessness and self-pity take away your power while the attitude of rejoicing increases your power. And the power we’re talking about is not “hard” power. It’s kind of a “soft” one.
We are not talking about making things happen here. Because who will you make things happen against? Who is there to oppose you?
When you try to make things happen, that means you’re trying to push against something (or someone). And you cannot win by pushing and fighting against the universe because you’re a part of the universe. You’re the universe itself. A mini prototype. How can a part fight with another part and win?
Can You Accept the Past With Love?
I know it’s hard to embrace the past with love (at least in the beginning) because if you feel injustice was done to you, you won’t be able to forgive the people who did that to you. And remember: without forgiveness, there can be no peace.
But don’t push yourself to forgive or love the people who you think did something wrong to you. Instead, nudge yourself towards acceptance. It will take time. When you accept the past as it was, you actually accept yourself because whatever happened, happened to you. But remember: you’ll face resistance from within (which is natural). And when that happens, accept that resistance too. It’s also part of you. In other words, don’t fight even with your fighting nature.
Now, before we move on, let me ask you this:
What do you think is the difference between a pond and a river?
Both are waterbodies with one major difference: the water in the pond gets stale after some time while the river remains fresh forever. Simply because the river keeps flowing. When you fight with your past and assert (unconsciously) that whatever happened should not have happened, your life energy remains stuck in the past. And when your energy is stuck in the past, you cannot utilize it in the present.
And that’s the key point here.
The positive emotions we experience in day-to-day life are an expression of energy. But if that creative, life-giving energy is entangled in painful memories, emotional wounds, and traumas, then, you’ll experience negative emotions (most of the time). Therefore freeing up your life from the past entanglements is important.
Remember, not to force yourself to “accept” the past, rather, let the past be embraced by you.
How to Get Over the Past?
The past is done. That part of your life is gone forever. Now, you can either condemn it and attract similar events. Or make peace with it and start afresh.
You can get over anything, not by fighting, but by accepting. Also, you cannot “break” the shackles of the past but you can surely let them break on their own.
Let me clarify.
You cannot “make” things happen but you can “allow” things to happen. And if you’re curious to know how to break free from the shackles of the past, first, get ready to hear something unexpected, something hard to digest.
Ready?
The fact is:
There are no shackles.
There never have been any. It’s your own making. You are the creator of your own life experience. It was almost impossible for me to accept that the suffering, the disappointment, and the frustration I experienced were all my making. I gave them power by focusing on them, by talking about them, and by regurgitating the emotional pain day in and day out.
But how could it be? Why would I do such a cruel thing to myself? Well, it was a strategy to make myself feel “like somebody.” It was the only way I knew to feel important. Fight. Struggle. Make things happen. That’s how the ego functions. If it cannot find something positive to feel good about, it associates itself with “great suffering.” (If I cannot become the happiest person around, let me become the most miserable one.) 🙂
Take Responsibility for Your Life
The truth is that if you want to break free of the shackles of the past, then taking responsibility for your life is crucial.
Yes, I understand that in the past there were things “done” to you. Things you had no control over (and you still don’t).
But you have control over:
The way you react to your past. If you shower self-love or self-pity upon yourself. And the path you want to move on to from this point onward.
You can work this out by taking responsibility for your life, as it is NOW. For example, you can make your life joyous (even if your past has been gloomy) by deciding for yourself what kind of universe you want to live in. Decide whether you want to live in a friendly universe or an unfriendly one.
Now, the world is neither friendly nor unfriendly. It simply is. But if you develop a friendly attitude towards the world, it shall respond to you in kind.
The opposite is also true: if you believe that the world is a dangerous place (like the news channels want to make you believe) it will become dangerous, for you.
You’re free to choose how you want to perceive the world. Want to meet friendly people? Get friendly. It’s that simple.
When your friendly attitude gets ingrained in your psyche, you’ll find the world cooperating with you. Consider the world as a mirror. If you don’t like what you see in the mirror, then breaking the mirror won’t do any good.
You only need to change yourself.