Suicide on your mind?
Well, I know why you are planning to end your life.
I get it.
In other words, your life sucks!
And so, you think committing suicide is the only viable option.
No more hungry stomach. No more teary eyes. And no more dying inch-by-inch. Farewell, cruel world!
Pretty neat, huh?
But, what if you’re wrong? What if suicide is not the answer? What if killing your body does not kill you?
Doesn’t make sense?
Just stay with me.
Let me give you a glimpse into my life and how I realized that you could not kill yourself by killing your body.
It was 1995
My family was in our native village.
And I was living in Delhi, all by myself—doing a computer course. Since money was a challenge, things were hard for me. In fact, it was so hard that after paying the course fee, stationery, and other basic utilities, I had hardly any money left.
My institute was 4 kilometers from my place, and since I couldn’t afford bus tickets, I had to get a fake ID card from a B-grade college to pretend to be a student. Some bus conductors believed me, while others didn’t. And the days I had to buy a ticket were nightmarish because spending money on a ticket meant sleeping hungry that night.
My life was a big, ugly mess!
I Decided to “End It All”
The hunger, the stress, the misery—it was killing me day by day. And then came a time when I decided to end my life and put a full stop to my misery. I tried to kill myself but couldn’t succeed.
Things got worse, and life stopped making sense. And, I kept dragging myself like a zombie in a post-apocalyptic movie.
A Book Saved My Life
“You’re neither the body nor the thoughts or emotions. You’re beyond them. You’re the soul,” Osho said in the book.
“One could come out of his body and see it from the outside, just like others see it.” He explained further.
And boy! Was I hooked?
Is there really a “soul” inside me? Or is it just some esoteric nonsense? Let’s give it a try. I made up my mind.
My institute had declared a two-month break. And since I had nowhere to go, I began level one: Living with total awareness and letting go.
As the days passed, a strange thing happened:
I could watch my body from the inside. I could see it eating food, taking a bath, walking, reading, etc.
And you the interesting part?
I was the watcher—every damn thing was happening to my body, not to me.
And then came level two:
“You’re not the physical body but an energy form. And you can expand or contract with your intention. So here’s the experiment: practice concentrating the energy (yourself) at your navel,” the book instructed.
And so I did.
I was sure I wouldn’t be disturbed during the experiment because I had not made any friends in the neighborhood. And so, I started practicing level two in the afternoons.
The Day I Realised I Was Not My Body
It was a hot afternoon (I don’t remember the date).
I started the experiment as usual, and it seemed I was tired because I fell asleep after a while—still immersed in the experiment.
And then a strange thing happened.
When I got conscious, I could not open my eyes because I had no control over them. In fact, I had no control over my entire body.
I was inside it and was able to see the whole body from within—it was like a dark landscape stretched for miles.
My breathing, the heartbeat, the outside sounds, and even the humid air on my skin—I was aware of everything.
But I couldn’t control the body.
If I Couldn’t Control the Body, Where Was I, What Was I?
I was inside my body.
And I had no shape—I was an insanely bright navy blue-ish, dense, fog-like entity—roaming from one end to another inside the body. It was an out-of-the-world experience, exciting and terrifying at the same time.
Of course, I had started the experiment hoping that something might happen someday, but I wasn’t expecting that something to happen so soon. So, there I was—floating inside my own body like the wind, with no names, no shape, and no control over anything. It scared me to death, and I was desperate to regain control.
I Regained “Control” of My Body, One More Time
And then I thought:
“If “contracting” could separate me from my body, “expanding” should make me one with it again, right?”
And, so, I tried expanding—into my legs, into my hands—everywhere, and within 5–10 seconds, I was again “in” my body. I opened my eyes and noticed my body was drenched in sweat, and I gasped for breath.
I was shit-scared and elated at the same time: And why wouldn’t I? I saw myself separate from the body—something most people only hear or read in the scriptures. At most, they believe it but never get to know it.
And I just did that.
Here’s Why Committing Suicide Cannot Kill You
That was the day when I realized the true meaning of the shloka from Shrimad Bhagwad Geeta, where Lord Krishna says,
“नैनं छिन्दन्ति शस्त्राणि नैनं दहति पावकः । न चैनं क्लेदयन्त्यापो न शोषयति मारुतः ॥.“
“The soul can never be cut to pieces by any weapon, nor burned by fire, nor moistened by water, nor withered by the wind.”
But I still regret one thing:
Osho explains even further, “When you see yourself separate from the body from within, then only your intent, just a desire to come outside of your body, and you’ll be out—still connected to the body through a silver cord. Then, again, when you wish to go inside, intend, and you’ll be right back in.”
Now, can I be honest with you for a moment?
I was shit-scared!
And that’s the reason why watching my body from the outside didn’t even occur to me. Later I came to know that the price of jumping out of the body for just one time was six months, which essentially means that six months would’ve been reduced from my lifetime.
Your Body is Like a Motorbike
Osho explained that the human body has seven Chakras.
Chakras are points of contact between you (the soul) and the body. And if jumped out of the body even once, the Chakras can never align with the physical body they once were.
The mechanism is similar to a motorbike:
The motorcycle runs smoothly as long as the engine’s original seal remains intact. If you tampered with the original setting, the factory alignment and refinement would be gone forever. Of course, you can make everything fit into its place, but it’ll not perform the way it used to. It may start creating trouble for you. Likewise, the body may also start catching serious illnesses.
Osho says, “Every meditator must experience at least once in his life that he is not the body, but do the experiment only in the later years when you’re free of your family responsibilities.”
“It’s important because even if something goes wrong, you won’t regret it. And then, it won’t matter much if you lived six months less or six months longer. You would realize that you’re not the body. You’re the soul. And the soul cannot die.”
So, I realized my fear was a blessing in disguise, and it was in my best interest that I reached the navel but didn’t jump out.
Do You Have an “Atman?”
Would you mind taking my word? There’s no such thing as your Atman. You are the Atman—with a mind and body to function as a human being.
Can You Kill Yourself by Killing Your Body?
The answer in traditional terms is a “yes” because we perceive life and death based on the body.
The body lives. You live.
The body dies. You die.
When a person commits suicide, he’s assuming that he’s the body. And he assumes that he is killing himself.
Now, here’s the thing:
Of course, you can kill your body by committing suicide, but you cannot kill yourself because you’re not the part that dies.
People who commit suicide, hoping to set themselves free, need to realize the truth. And that is: one can surely kill the body, but then he’ll have to find another one. And if he decides not to have one, he’ll have to wander in the ghost world.
And that’s exactly what ghosts are—souls without bodies.
Will Committing Suicide Solve Your Problems?
Are you planning to end your life?
Have you decided to commit suicide?
Let me warn you:
The body dies. The Atman doesn’t.
One can only eliminate their body by committing suicide.
The Atman remains.