In April 2010, I conducted a personality development course for the B. Tech. students at Subharti University, Meerut.
I remember it was my last session of the day and we were discussing self-love.
“Self-love is the most important thing in human life. No matter what, unless you love yourself, nothing can change for you. Because, we, as human beings, need a reference point in our lives to work from. And having self-love as the central theme of life does help.”
“And remember, life is not neutral. You cannot say that I don’t love myself but I surely don’t hate myself. Doesn’t work that way.”
“If you don’t love yourself, then you hate yourself. You can be sure of it,” I rested my case.
Listening to me telling such grand things about loving oneself, a student (a young boy) started crying. That disturbed me because it was probably the first time I saw a male student crying in front of others in a classroom. I looked at him and asked, “Why are you crying?”
“Sir, I haven’t done anything in life yet. I am a student, my parents are paying for all my expenses. I have not even secured a job yet and you’re asking me to love myself. Don’t you think it’s a little too much?” he replied.
I smiled and then said some words to him—obviously to comfort him—don’t remember though, what I said.
He had a point. And it didn’t sound quite right to me, then.
But it used to be. For quite some years. Thirty years, almost.
I also believed that self-love was reserved for fortunate people. Students with excellent grades, people with lucrative careers, and couples with happy marriages—they can love themselves. After all, they’re the successful ones. They have earned the right to love themselves.
But that student was not alone in looking down at self-love. Most of us do the same. Loving ourselves is more likely a challenge for all of us. We have been conditioned that unless we become somebody, we have no right to love ourselves.
So does that mean self-love, appreciation, and admiration, need to be earned? Can you not love yourself before you “achieve?”
Why Liking and Admiring Oneself is Important?
And by the way, why is it important to love oneself? Why can’t you live without loving yourself? What’s the point?
The reason is that life itself means expansion. Expansion gives color and vibrancy and a feeling of worth living. When you expand, and share, you feel alive. And you can feel alive only when you’re in deep love with yourself, not before.
Let me explain.
Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a good mood, you want to go out and share your joy with other people? And when you’re depressed, frustrated, or angry, you close the doors and want nobody to disturb you. Now, that isolation you so crave when you feel low is mild self-hatred. And hatred has a unique characteristic—it wants to contract and destroy. First, others. And then, itself.
“But won’t loving myself make me a narcissus, a person who cares about himself and himself only?” you ask.
No, self-love doesn’t make you a narcissist. It’s the other way around. If you love others (pretend) without loving yourself first, then that “love” shall be nothing but acting. It won’t have any substance to it. And people will sense it, sooner or later. They always do.
The chaos we see in today’s society is not because of social injustice, hatred among the communities, or lack of equal opportunities. That chaos has its roots in the lack of self-love.
You want to change the world. Make it a better place. Want to feel good? Then…
Love yourself.
Even if you haven’t made a career. Even if you haven’t accomplished something worthwhile. Love yourself and forget what anybody says about self-love. Loving yourself is a sign of maturity and self-growth. Unless one loves himself, he remains immature and juvenile. Real maturity comes with deep acceptance and self-love.
Why Lack of Self-love is Harmful?
The lack of self-love affects your whole life:
The way you feel about yourself, your relationships, your career, your money-making ability—the absence of self-love affects it all.
And you don’t need to lose heart even if you haven’t loved yourself up to this day. Don’t assume that since you haven’t loved yourself ever, it won’t make any difference now.
Let’s say there’s a room where you haven’t lit a candle for the past 10 years. Can the darkness claim that since it’s been there for a decade, it won’t leave the room? That it will take time?
No.
The moment you light up a candle, the darkness disappears. In fact, the light and darkness don’t know each other. They haven’t met each other yet, and it’s not going to happen any time soon.
I have found that self-love is the first step toward knowing oneself as a person. The moment I started liking, appreciating, and loving myself, things started to change. Earlier, I used to be afraid to open myself up in front of others. Now, I am seeing that gradually, I am coming out in the open. Feeling empowered, calmer, and composed—with a deep respect for myself and others.
As I am writing this article, a feeble voice in the back of my head is trying to convince me to stop writing any further. “Who do you think you are?” it says.
Well, I am who I am.
So today, I urge you to be who you are.
Now, I am not saying that first, you work on removing the conditioning of self-hatred and then start loving yourself, no.
Don’t battle with your self-hatred. It’s there. Let it be. You just start a new stream. A stream of love, appreciation, and admiration. Admire even your hatred for yourself. Accept that hatred too.
Self-love is the master key. It’s about time you use it.