Turning Delhi into a paradise was no child’s play.
It needed an unshakeable belief in democracy and freedom.
And with “Mata Rani’s Ashriwad,” I was able to do it.
Who am I?
I am a modern-day Robinhood who turned the city of Delhi—the capital of India into a living, breathing paradise. (And that too, working within the realm of democracy, in just a couple of years.) Want to know how I did it? Come along!
The very first thing you need to understand is this:
Democracy is all about FREEDOM.
If you’re serious about turning a city into a living, breathing paradise then you must realize that freedom is the foundation stone of joy, liberty, and dignity. Fortunately, I always had it in me—I always believed in freedom.
And I also believed that freedom was incomplete unless people got things for free. Like free water, free electricity, free bus rides, free this, and free that.
(This is the 21st century, my friend. We can’t just let people be tormented by GST and income taxes (such things are for crazies whom I refer to as tax-payers)).
There was a catch though.
I knew that every city needs funds for running smoothly and Delhi was no exception. Roads, traffic signals, street lights, and amenities of all sorts, like schools, hospitals, dispensaries, and whatnot, all needed money to run. And who and where would I get that money from if I were to give almost everything for free?
Ha! I just gave you a hint, didn’t I?
We all know that a section of society is always willing to part with a significant chunk of their hard-earned money in the form of taxes. We call this section, taxpayers—a bunch of naive people. So, I intended to loot, ahem, I mean, tax them and pamper the “poor” people. After all, it’s good to help others, right?
I just had to make the taxpayers believe that making our country “corruption-free” was entirely possible.
Here’s how I did it.
I Convinced the People of Delhi that the Political System Was Corrupt and There Was No Hope
Now, tell me, who is not troubled by corruption?
You see, almost everyone has a tale or two of their own about corruption. Corruption has screwed the general public so badly that the people are disgusted with the corruption in politics and the havoc it has caused.
To tell you the truth, common people were so fed up that they were willing to support any Tom, Dick, or Harry who could put an end to the rampant corruption.
And that’s where I came in.
I convinced the people of Delhi that the whole political system was corrupt and there was no hope of something good coming out of it. Only a Robinhood-type approach was the answer to the mess.
You know what I did?
I initiated an anti-corruption drive that most people in the city could relate to. Because in my heart I knew that the trick was going to work.
My team created a website and wrote encouraging, positive articles to convince people. They convinced the residents of Delhi that they could make something out of their miserable lives—by being part of once in a lifetime opportunity. And guess what? It worked!
Mass media was my greatest friend when it came to fooling, ouch, I mean convincing people. “A corruption-free country” is such a lollypop that nobody can ignore it.
A corruption-free country.
Even saying it thrice will make you feel orgasmic (try it).
I Told People I was Their “Savior” (and They Believed Me)
My next step towards turning the national capital territory of Delhi into a paradise was to project myself as a savior—a messiah who could end corruption and change politics. Because unless I projected myself differently, I didn’t stand a chance.
So that’s exactly what I did. But I didn’t work alone.
I onboarded “good” people, especially some of the prominent ones around, in my team so I could encash their credibility for my own plans. In fact, I targeted a reputed social worker and asked him to join my crusade.
(“Ab naam kya batana ji, woh to aap samajh hi gaye honge.”) 😉
That way I was able to take advantage of an already well-known personality. This was quite important because this clever strategy helped me turn my dream into reality in no freakin’ time.
Once my anti-corruption crusade was in place, I launched a seething attack on the government in power because that was the low-hanging fruit I could pick.
Now, legend has it, the party in power in the center was corrupt (and still is). And that gave me an edge over them. I showed the public 370 pages of “evidence” and promised that I would root out that party (which I… I mean… well, fuggedaboudit!)
The public got all fired up when they realized that somebody was willing to fight for them and save them from the clutches of corruption.
And guess what? I got their sympathy.
You see, getting public on your side is not that hard. You just have to play with their emotions (but shhh! Don’t tell them this, alright?)
I Showed them I Was “One of Them”
How did I do that?
By “blending in.”
You see, human beings tend to trust people who look like them, who talk like them, and who seem to have dreams like they do.
I bought an ordinary-looking muffler and wrapped it around my “Kattar Imandaar” face (people love that kind of shit!).
Also, I wore a simple pair of trousers, a “regular” half-sleeve shirt, and brown-colored leather sandals with “conman,” I mean “common man” written all over them.
Next came the language: I made it a point to speak as a common person. And that’s why I used plain, easy-to-understand language which many people termed (and still do) as “sadakchhap” (but I don’t give a fuck!).
Once I mastered dressing up like a common man and speaking up like a ruffian, I was all set.
I Empathized with the “Poor” People of Delhi and they Stood Behind Me Like a Rock
I know many people in Delhi call my adorable, innocent, and lovely “poor” people “intruders.” And that’s not fair.
Why do you do that?
I know you like to work hard and pay taxes (not my fault). I also know that you are a law-abiding citizen who believes that he has all the right to live in Delhi as long as he’s taking good care of it (not my fault, again).
What does it matter if somebody encroaches on the roads, spits in the streets, or throws garbage in the parks?
That doesn’t make that somebody an “intruder,” “a mean son of a bitch,” does it?
Democracy is all about freedom, remember? And that includes encroaching freely, spitting freely, throwing garbage freely, and even “hugging” on railway tracks freely. Don’t take it otherwise, please!
So, yeah, the “poor” people needed my support, which I gave, and guess what? They supported me like crazy. Do you know why? Because they knew that the more power they gave me, the more freebies would be available to them (which I have been making sure of since). 🙂
I Swore I’ll Never Enter Politics (But You Know… )
Me?
Into politics?
No, no. I was never into that kind of stuff. The reality is that I was willing to give up my life if needed to make the system corruption-free. You can’t question my dedication, for sure. Hell, I went on “anshans” and tortured my body for weeks. Don’t you ever forget that (you capitalist sympathizer!)
But all my “anshans” and “appeals” were not working. Not even a dent.
You see, I did whatever I could in my power but the “netas” were not listening (“Sab mile huey hain ji, Mata rani ki kasam!”). Now, you tell me, what the hell I was supposed to do? I had no choice but to enter politics.
(“After all, gandagi saaf karne ke liye toh gutter mein utrana hi padta hai ji.”)
And once again, the people supported me.
(They even forgave me for swearing at my children. I am forever indebted to the people of Delhi).
They Say I Turned Delhi into a SHITHOLE. Really?
A shithole?
How could somebody even come up with such an ugly word?
I mean, I worked day and night to overthrow an uber-corrupt government from Delhi and turn this once-backward city into a paradise, and this is the reward I got?
Utterly shameful.
The fact of the matter is, that I made Delhi a free-for-all city.
Anybody from any part of the country can come here and do whatever the hell they like, freely. (I have always kept freedom above all and will continue to do so, even if it means fighting until the end.)
You just have to come to Delhi to see what miracle my “poor” people and I have created here. After a lot of free, I mean hard work, today Delhi is a paradise full of “freebies” and “free” people.
Here are three examples.
Battery Rickshaws
I believe that every person has a right to earn his livelihood without any restrictions.
People say that battery rickshaws are meant for streets and not for main roads. And I ask, why? Why shouldn’t they have the freedom to operate wherever they want?
I was sick and tired of this discrimination.
And therefore, I made sure that e-rickshaws could roam around the city without any checks. Now, in Delhi, you can see lots of battery-operated rickshaws moving on streets and main roads and where not. After all, my “poor” people also have the right to earn their livelihoods freely, don’t they?
Rehadis
Gone are the times when the residents of Delhi had to search for fruits and vegetables like a thirsty crow searching for water in the scorching heat of June.
Today, you just have to sit in your homes, and out there in your streets shall be Rehadis, Rehadis, Rehadis, and then some.
Now, you have the freedom to buy fruits and veggies (not to mention other essential items) right at your doorstep. Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t democracy about making people’s lives easy and comfortable?
What if those Rehadis create little roadblocks and traffic jams now and then? You have to bear a little mud if you want the rainbows, right?
Buy One Get One Free
Today’s fast-paced life is so stressful that people need some help to unwind. And relaxing “tonics” can bring about a big relief.
Now, have you seen people standing in long, tiring queues to purchase a bottle, just one bottle?
It was heartbreaking!
I could not sleep the night I realized that the people of my city had to wait in queues, just to purchase something to drink. I made up my mind that something needed to be done to end that torture.
Indeed, I could not end the queues, but yes, I gave the hardworking people of Delhi a “Buy One Get One Free scheme.”
I know many people don’t want to give me credit but I surely made their lives easier with that highly successful scam, I mean scheme. And you know what? My favorite comrade had to go to jail for such a “Krantikari Parivartan.”
Can you believe that? 😐
There’s no country for good people, I tell you. But we’re fighting and will keep on fighting until we change the politics in this country.
“Ab dekho ji, krantikariyon ke raaste mein mushkilen to aati hi hain, par jo darr jaye voh krantikari kaisa, hain ji?”
Disclaimer:
This article is meant for humor only. Reading it for other than laughing is strictly prohibited. 😛