Turning Delhi into a paradise was no child’s play.
It needed an unshakeable belief in democracy and freedom.
And with “Mata Rani’s Aashirwad,” I was able to do it.
Who am I?
I am a modern-day Robin Hood who turned the city of Delhi—the capital of India—into a living, breathing paradise. (And that too, working within the realm of democracy, in just a couple of years.) Want to know how I did it? Come along!
The very first thing you need to understand is this:
Democracy is all about FREEDOM.
If you’re serious about turning a city into a living, breathing paradise, then you must realize that freedom is the foundation stone of joy, liberty, and dignity. Fortunately, I always had it in me—I always believed in freedom.
And I also believed that freedom was incomplete unless people got things for free. Like free water, free electricity, free bus rides, free this, and free that.
Freebies are often framed as empowerment, but they also reshape responsibility, power, and dependence in ways we rarely question.
(This is the 21st century, my friend. We can’t just let people be tormented by GST and income taxes. Such things are for crazies whom I refer to as taxpayers.)
There was a catch, though.
I knew that every city needs funds to run smoothly, and Delhi was no exception. Roads, traffic signals, street lights, and amenities of all sorts—schools, hospitals, dispensaries, and whatnot—all needed money. And who or where would I get that money from if I were to give almost everything for free?
Ha! I just gave you a hint, didn’t I?
We all know that a section of society is always willing to part with a significant chunk of their hard-earned money in the form of taxes. We call this section taxpayers—a bunch of naïve people. So, I intended to loot—ahem—I mean, tax them and pamper the “poor” people. After all, it’s good to help others, right?
I just had to make the taxpayers believe that making our country “corruption-free” was entirely possible.
Here’s how I did it.
I Convinced the People of Delhi That the Political System Was Corrupt and There Was No Hope
Now tell me, who is not troubled by corruption?
Almost everyone has a tale or two of their own. Corruption has screwed the general public so badly that people are disgusted with politics and the havoc it has caused.
To tell you the truth, common people were so fed up that they were willing to support any Tom, Dick, or Harry who could put an end to rampant corruption.
And that’s where I came in.
I convinced the people of Delhi that the whole political system was corrupt and that there was no hope of anything good coming out of it. Only a Robin Hood–type approach was the answer.
You know what I did?
I initiated an anti-corruption drive that most people in the city could relate to. Because in my heart, I knew the trick was going to work.
My team created a website and wrote encouraging, positive articles to convince people. They convinced the residents of Delhi that they could make something out of their miserable lives by being part of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And guess what? It worked!
Mass media was my greatest friend when it came to fooling—ouch—I mean convincing people. “A corruption-free country” is such a lollipop that nobody can ignore it.
A corruption-free country.
Even saying it thrice will make you feel orgasmic (try it).
I Told People I Was Their “Savior” (and They Believed Me)
My next step was to project myself as a savior—a messiah who could end corruption and change politics. Because unless I projected myself differently, I didn’t stand a chance.
So that’s exactly what I did. But I didn’t work alone.
I onboarded “good” people, especially prominent ones, so I could encash their credibility. In fact, I targeted a reputed social worker and asked him to join my crusade.
(“Ab naam kya batana ji, woh toh aap samajh hi gaye honge.” 😉)
That way, I was able to take advantage of an already well-known personality. This clever strategy helped me turn my dream into reality in no freakin’ time.
Once my anti-corruption crusade was in place, I launched a seething attack on the government in power—low-hanging fruit.
Now, legend has it that the party in power at the center was corrupt (and still is). That gave me an edge. I showed the public 370 pages of “evidence” and promised I would root them out (which I… well… fuggedaboudit!).
The public got fired up when they realized somebody was willing to fight for them.
And guess what? I got their sympathy.
Getting the public on your side isn’t that hard. You just have to play with their emotions. (But shhh—don’t tell them.)
I Showed Them I Was “One of Them”
How?
By blending in.
Human beings trust people who look like them, talk like them, and seem to have dreams like they do.
I bought an ordinary muffler and wrapped it around my “kattar imaandaar” face. I wore simple trousers, a regular half-sleeve shirt, and brown leather sandals with “common man” written all over them.
Next came the language. I spoke plainly—easy-to-understand language—which many termed “sadakchhap.” (I didn’t give a fuck.)
Once I mastered dressing and speaking like a common man, I was all set.
I Empathized with the “Poor” People of Delhi—and They Stood by Me
Many call my adorable, innocent “poor” people intruders. That’s unfair.
What does it matter if someone encroaches on roads, spits on streets, or throws garbage in parks?
Democracy is about freedom, remember?
So yes, the “poor” needed my support. I gave it. And they supported me like crazy. They knew the more power they gave me, the more freebies they’d get. 😄
I Swore I’d Never Enter Politics (But You Know…)
Me? Politics?
Never.
I was willing to give up my life to make the system corruption-free. I went on anshans, tortured my body for weeks. But nothing worked.
So what choice did I have?
(“Gandagi saaf karne ke liye gutter mein utarna hi padta hai.”)
Once again, the people supported me.
They Say I Turned Delhi into a Shithole. Really?
A shithole?
I worked day and night to overthrow corruption and turn Delhi into a paradise—and this is the reward?
The truth is, I made Delhi a free-for-all city.
Anyone can come and do whatever they like—freely.
Here are three examples.
Battery Rickshaws
I ensured they could roam freely—streets, main roads, everywhere.
Rehadis
Fruits and vegetables now come right to your doorstep. What if they cause traffic jams? Small price for democracy.
Buy One Get One Free
Queues were painful. So I made life easier with a BOGO scheme. A favorite comrade even went to jail for it.
That’s the price of revolution.
Disclaimer:
This article is meant purely for humor. Reading it for any reason other than laughing is strictly prohibited. 😁